Situation-Ships & Overthinking

Often I wonder if I’m the only woman in the world who allowed themselves to get so lost in their work that I forgot that anything outside of it ever existed. It’s the idea of finally reaching the space of complete creativity with my work that drives me completely insane and at the same time makes my fingertips beat down on my keyboard in an attempt to get all of my thoughts out before they disappear into the abyss. I used to get so lost in this idea that it blinded me from everything and helped me ignore everyone around me who continuously told me that my work could not be my life. That wasn’t true, because up until a few weeks ago my career and how much I put into it was all that I cared to put energy into or so I thought. Then it happened. Somehow I opened myself up to giving my energy to something other than just my career.

​Now weeks later that I think about it, that was probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. I have no bad ending or tragic breakup to record…yet. However, I have to note that after being alone and finding the best company within myself for so long opening up to another felt almost like pulling loose teeth. I opened up and for the first few days, it felt completely blissful until the other shoe dropped. Once that happened I realized just how much of a mistake I’d made. You see it’s easy to open up and get used to someone, but it is nowhere near easy to close yourself back off to that person that you allowed in. I don’t know about anyone else, but I went from listening to Comfortable by H.E.R to listening to Lauren Hill’s Ex-Factor in a matter of days. It was a complete 360 for me and I know exactly why. To be honest, there are a couple of reasons, but I’ll go ahead and list the top three.

1. ​I am the Queen of Overthinking! I would overthink anything if given the appropriate chance because for some reason the things that I do not know for sure gives me anxiety.

2. I am a writer and world creator so I have an obvious God complex. Simply, I am so used to creating the endings to my stories and choosing how things go that I have a big problem with all of the things that I cannot control. It bothers me that I could and will become involved with someone and I can’t control everything about us, because again God has the final say-so, not me. That’s a big one!

3. Trust. The hardest thing for me is to trust someone wholeheartedly with me. I don’t have trust issues or so I think, but I’ve picked myself up and had to push through heartbreak before, so it’s extremely hard for me to allow myself to be put back into such a position to be hurt all over again.

Now those reasons are just the tip of the iceberg for me. All in all, I guess it’s safe to say that I am successfully suffering through a situations-ship that I have no instructions on. I have no idea how to steer this ship because I fear the idea of underthinking myself into heartbreak.